“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”—Marcus Aurelius

Introduction:

If you haven’t heard of the silent killer, it is the stress that sweeps into our daily lives, affecting our behavior, temper, mental and even physical health, the silent killer is also affecting our relationships. It was called the silent killer as  it’s directly associated with the six leading causes of death; heart disease, cancer, lung ailments and respiratory disorder, accidental injuries, cirrhosis of the liver and suicide. Little did we know that stress can also be behind a lot of dead relationships. Chronic stress is the leading cause of mental disorders such as anxiety and depression,this is how chronic stress impact our relationships!

Why do we even feel stressed?

Stress is actually a survival response, it’s how our bodies protect us against threats and dangers. Our body changes physiologically, psychologically and emotionally to save us from danger, these responses are embedded in our bodies and they are unavoidable but manageable. This is how our ancestors have survived the wilderness, with all the life threatening daily events, such as fire, wild animals, and catastrophes. As a result humans with poor stress response have not survived and we are all now the lineage of humans who have carried strong stress and danger receivers and responses to us.

In modern life, the dangers have changed from wild animals and fires to financial,work, relationship and other sorts of problems, nonetheless our bodies’ response as defense have not changed; the famous flight, fight or freeze response still gets activated to save us. That sounds good right? Our bodies are alert nonstop to protect and save us against danger. Then where is the problem?

The problem is with chronic (continuous stress), our system does not get to rest, we’re not escaping a wild animal and then we’re safe and rested. The modern day stresses can be ongoing, and that keeps our nervous system alert, leading to anxiety, which is the cause or the by-product of depression. We might not be able to shut down our body survival system, firstly because we need it to keep us safe, secondly because it’s not really doable, it’s like preventing your skin from feeling burnt when you touch something scolding. However we can learn to listen to our bodies when it tells us it’s under stress, manage our emotional responses and tell our bodies that everything is ok, you can rest now ! It’s not straightforward, it takes self awareness, observations and practice, but it’s better than letting your own body and brain attack you thinking that it’s saving you!

The good news is that our bodies give us warning signs that it’s under a lot of stress, and it’s been working too long and too hard because of this stress, be it real danger or an imagined one.

How does our body warn us about stress? Watch out for these signs:

• Nervous energy.
• Racing mind- unable to rest.
• Disturbed sleep.
• Persistent urge to rush, go, go, go.
• Being overwhelmed with a lot of things to do.
• Feeling like you have no time to rest.
• Craving junk food.
• Loss of pleasure or interest.
• Trembling, tingling sensations.
• Fatigue.
• Irritability, impatience.
• Chronic headaches.

This article is not aimed towards managing stress, rather on recognizing stress and its effect on our relationship. However understanding what stress is, what it looks like is the first step towards managing stress and its impact on our lives.

Stress play in our relationship

Stress play in our relationship can be well hidden, you might hear a lot of (I am having a bad week, I am too exhausted,I am worried, I have no time for myself), when these words occur often, there may be something else going on… STRESS !

The unfortunate thing is stress will first show it self in our relationship around our loved ones, because it changes us emotionally and physically as mentioned before, and our relationship is the area where we feel comfortable to be and express ourselves, we let our guards down, and we might not even notice our changed temper and behavior..

Let’s check these signs, and see if stress has sneaked into your relationship?

• You’re becoming contrarian. Always opposing your partner, arguing about little things.
• Intimacy is rushed or lacking. This is because stress makes you unable to rest or focus. Intimacy occurs when both of you are focused on each other and being able to be in the present moment.
• You or your partner are suddenly paranoid, getting suspicious which is obviously damaging to the relationship. This behavior is a clear reaction to stress.
• You suddenly find your partner irritating, the little habits or theirs like humming, leaving things where they shouldn’t be, the way they talk to you are all suddenly pushing you over the edge.
• You want to be alone, more than usual (Research done in 2014), found that wanting or needing to withdraw from everyone, even your partner, is a result of stress.
• You’re unhappy. You have been happy before in their company but not anymore.

When should you seek professional support?

Given all the effects stress can have on our happiness and physical health, you better seek professional support to guide you on managing your stress responses when you notice one of the followings;

• Feeling that your life is out of control.
• Unable to manage your emotions.
• Being constantly on the edge and irritated by the smallest things.
• Constant nightmares and sleep disturbance.
• Overly fatigued.
• Unable to focus.
• Tingling sensations.
• Craving a lot of junk food, alcohol or sugar.

Summary 

Stress can happen anytime for any reason. It’s not all bad, some level of stress is meant to protect us, push us forward, but prolonged stress can damage our bodies, our minds and our love relationship with others. If it goes undetected and unmanaged, it can lead to mental disorders, bad habits,  health problems out kill our relationships.

I hope this article have shed some light on why we feel stress, how to spot that we’re stressed and understand why it ruins fine relationships.

The next article in the stress area will be about how to manage stress and the right approach for couples towards stress. Sign up to the newsletter so you don’t miss any articles that might be useful to you.

Do let me know your thoughts on this blog in the comment section.

References:
Is Stress The Number One Killer? | Psych Central

Is Stress Killing Your Relationship? Why You’re Not Alone | Psychology Today

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